A die hard pessimist doesn't see the glass of milk as sour any longer

Inspired I am, to write once more. The episodes of life has accelerated in the recent few years, with huge undocumented chapters of my life being lost to distant memories. I am compelled by the fingers that want to do the walking, to type like they once did, type with a will of its own, through the subconscious mind, without conscious thought. Two years and a few months since I graduated from secondary school, and the journey of life is saturated with experiences that I never even dreamed of when I was cocooned in my little shell back in KK. Today, one unspoken new year’s resolution has come true. And this is the start of making dreams a reality. To believe that dreams are not simply dreams, but dreams are reachable and attainable. One might think, by making it through the national finals today, that would be the only thing coursing through my mind and the only thing that I would be frantically blogging about, since I start this blog on this very day. But you’ll be surprised, as even I am, of how far away my mind reflects as the surreal results of the competition sinks in. It’s amazing how many of my dreams have come true. Step by step, like building blocks, they build up and create a journey of unlimited possibilities that turns me from a hard core pessimist I once was, to a willful mind of endless horizons.

Pages of angst filled, melancholy, sadistic lines used to fill the pages of my long lost blog, the fusion of frustration as a teenager struggles to find herself. Consumed by the claustrophobia of knowing only a small part of my tiny world, I have since emerged from that cocoon, and grown wings. For I no longer believe that life is unworthy of our attention, but is a gift, a gift that is minute at first, but holds humongous potential for infinite expansion. Every step along the way, what I want I work for and I get. In spite of all the complaining that I’ve done, it always turns out perfectly well at the end of the day. This is a year where resolutions are set, but unspoken. Where dreams are chased but results to be known. This is a year of decisions, the year to choose the path at the crossroads. And the year which will shape the future of my life. It’s about taking chances and pushing the boundaries. It’s about seeking new changes and keeping old ones close. It’s about living life to the fullest with every breath that I take, with every beat of my heart. Never ever let things slip away. Seize it. Take it. Make it yours.

This year is my third attempt in the public speaking competition. Way back in 2005, I was 16. My first real attempt at public speaking. (Poetry recitals/story telling and model book essay erm recitations don’t count) All I wanted was to come to the finals in KL, I wanted the trip, thought it would be fun. London seemed too big a dream for me to dare to dream about. So that was what happened. I made it to KL, and I didn’t make it further. But I was satisfied. I did my best in my capacity at that time. The experience that I gained was invaluable, I learnt a lot, and the other finalists blew me away. I knew after that what made a good speech and what breaks a speech. I used to think that passion and drama was the key, but I realized sincerity is how it should be. It’s about being yourself, and talking about things you personally care about. It’s about being natural and believable (because you should only speak the truth, and keep it real). The next year, the public speaking competition did not come to KK. Attempt number 2 was in 2007 when I first started studying in KL. A time when confidence was stripped from me by my own thoughts, when I was feeling that I would never be able to be of standard. I know it sounds weird, after all I have been there, done that. But in my little head, there’s this annoying little voice that says to me, “oh that was when you were in Sabah. Look at the people you are competing with. KL people have much higher standards, you think you can compete? No way! You haven’t been doing this for a year, you can’t give a decent speech even if your life calls for it. You’ll probably go blank in your impromptu and they’ll kick you out in the prelims.” So with a mind that tells me, you’re not even going to get to the semi finals, I half heartedly wrote the semi final speech in horrible squiggly scribbles, and half memorized it. And lo behold, the day of competition came.. I did the first speech, and to my absolute surprise, I could speak throughout the whole time for the impromptu!!! In fact, I felt on cloud nine, because I was so certain I would freeze. But lack of confidence had made me lack practice in the semi finals speech. I was not confident to speak without any reference. Halfway through, I forgot my lines, and looked down at the squiggly awful draft handwriting of mine with furious cancellations all over, and I COULD NOT FIND WHERE I WAS. Oh god. I stumbled. And fell fell fell fell. It was over. Maybe I should be proud that I made it to the semis. But I wasn’t, because I didn’t give it my best. I know I could have done better. Much better. Then comes 2008. This year. After last year’s episode, I decided to build up my confidence level. Not doing my best is not an excuse. No matter how lousy I may be, I would feel satisfied if I gave it all I had. But no matter how good I am, I will never be satisfied if I didn’t do it with all my heart. After all, why bother if you’re not going to put all effort into it? So this year I set out in this year’s competition with this goal in mind. I will do my best this time around. And may the best that I can give take me somewhere (hopefully to London). But whether or not it does, I want to be able to feel satisfied because I gave it all I could. Eric made it. He didn’t get through the prelims twice, but he sailed through to the international finals the 3^rd time last year. I was so so so so proud and happy for him, and in a way, extremely inspired. If he can, so can I. For those who know of him as an international public speaking finalist, it sounds so intimidating. But we have been “competition friends” for so long, and have been neck to neck in competitions, he wins some I win some, yet we have that awesome moral support for each other instead of slashing one another down by fighting against each other in competitions as would be the usual case with other people. There is by far no other person that has been able to fill this spot. This year, he helped so much in keeping my confidence level up. If I were to say thank you, it would not feel like enough. It may be my accomplishment, but without the support of friends and the others I won’t have the confidence to believe in myself and I probably will never be on that plane to London in May. I won’t have the drive to create a good speech with the patience of changing scripts more than 5 times, by totally writing new speeches over and over again. The worst part of the process is speech writing. I would feel so down after scrapping so many writings that it would usually be the time where I start losing confidence. When I start thinking that I will never be able to put something decent together, and I am never going to be able to make it. But this year I had a different mindset, a slight bit more positive one, and I am most fortunate to have the strong moral support from all the awesome people around me. Words can only say so much of how much it means to me. And when my name was called out, it was a dream come true. LONDON!!! Omg. Are you SERIOUS?!!! haha A dream that took working for, but a dream made a reality nevertheless. Thanks to Eric the most wonderful competition friend ever, thanks to Tracey whos at home nursing a sprained/twisted/torn tissued ankle, thanks to Carlyn who came today, thanks to my lecturers, thanks to all my friends (I’ll list you all down but I might miss someone, so you’re all in here this way) who wished me luck and congratulated me, thanks to my parents, and also thanks to my new found fellow members of the PSF!!! Meeting all of you is one of the most valuable outcomes of this competition. With this, this year’s experience is by far the most fulfilling, and London? I would have not gotten a chance to see London if it was not for an all expense paid trip. And the honour of representing Malaysia at an international competition? Two years ago, I wouldn’t have dared to dream of this. So I just want to say, dare to dream. For the seemingly impossible may not be as impossible as it seems. If you dare to dream, you will dare to achieve. And when you dare to try to achieve, you WILL achieve. Take small steps at a time but build it up and even the stars are reachable.

Always dream. And believe in dreams. And where it will take you is, as I quote from today, infinity and beyond. =)