Ice cold water

I close my eyes and I can almost feel the waves crash upon the shores in my head. Spinning in my mind are torrential cascades of thoughts that can't seem to find an orderly manner to fit into. When you don't know, you guess. But when you can't guess, you are lost. I am lost.

I don't know where I stand. I don't know what I am. All I know is that I'm tired. When all of a sudden you find that you want something, and yet you probably can't have it, you wish you never came across it in the first place. But since it's too late for that, even walking back in the heavy downpour because I forgot to bring my umbrella was a welcome event.

Sometimes I wonder, things could be so much simpler. If only I didn't do things the way I always do. Impulsive. Emotional. Stupid. There is always another path to take. But stubbornness declines that road, and takes this rocky road. I am swimming with sharks. And my heart might just decide to go into hibernation mode, where everything just freezes in icy cold flames.

Why do I let myself into water when I know I can barely swim? Is it just me that imagines a connection? I am too afraid to hope. I am too haunted by the past to dare believe in the present.

Hope~ by emily dickinson. One of my favourite poems, I'm typing it out from memory, as the lines start running itself in my head.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
That sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all

And sweetest in the gale is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet never in extremity
It asked a crumb of me.

But hope, hope is just a fragment of imagination. Of denial when hard core evidence is yet to be placed right in front of us. Hope is just something we hold on to when there is nothing concrete to believe in.

The song More Than That has been playing itself over and over again in my head today. Over and over and over again.

I should do my tutorial =(