This was what happened.. . .....

and then he says...

but I still love you.


How much more confusing can this get?

What do you really want dear? Think carefully, what makes you happy? What do you want for yourself, not what you think I want for me. I can think for myself in this case. I just wish I knew, what is it that you want.

My own advice

Isn't it ironic that the best advice u can get is really from yourself? I told a good friend today that love is not selfish. That when u think about love you should think about what u can give the other person rather than what u will get yourself. I guess i should remind myself that. =)
Almost a year ago, i was touched by a simple answer from someone when i asked why you want a gf. He said because i want to love. And i still feel the love from him, in spite of the situation. And i still feel my love for him. But we seem to have both forgotten how to return to that simplicity.

Irony

Isn't it ironic that I blog only when I am feeling hurt? I think the long break I had away from my blog has been a good sign. I am hurting so much now that even pieces of broken glass piercing through flesh would not feel as painful as the tearing of my heart. The lost of trust in words spoken awhile ago. The lost in faith of taking a chance. I am scared to believe again.

Sometimes I am ok, I can still laugh, I can still make stupid jokes and laugh at it myself, amusing myself with the facial expressions on other people's face. I laugh because I am amused that they don't know how to react, they don't know what to do or say that's right, they are scared to hurt me further, they want to be there for me, and I am making jokes that does not seem a normal state of someone who should be an emotional wreck. You see them pause, looking confused for a moment, don't know how to react, then they will laugh because I can't stop laughing, at amusing myself with my jokes, getting amused at their reactions. They will then be amused that I am amused and then they will laugh and shake their head, and think that I am alright, I'm still as crazy as ever. I am alright, I am still me, but I am hurting, I am hurting deep down inside, a hurt that runs so deep, but I am standing against it. I will not let the hurt bring me down. I will not let my emotions tear me apart. Thank you friends for being there. You don't need to know what to do or what to say, you can whisper I don't know what to do to the other person in the room and I will just feel amused. :) I love you guys, love you to bits. Love that I have so many people who are there for me when I need someone. Love to know that my true friends are a lot a lot a lot more than I give myself credit for. Thank you all for being there.

Emotions are ridiculous. Before a relationship, you wonder if you should love. You don't want to hurt. Slowly, you put down your guard, and you start to believe. You start to believe that loving is worth risking getting hurt. Then when you hurt again, you think, maybe it's not worth loving to get hurt. The conclusion is, don't think so much. The excuse is, but I can't help myself. The reply is, then go get a life. The truth is, it's not so simple.

Lovely day

Such a lovely day.. but I feel so lifeless somehow.

I feel lying down and having waves crash over me.

I don't want to think.

The answer to our lives

This song is playing in my head.

You see me sittin here
A smile upon my face
The time has come but you know that its not too late
There's been to many things
Together we've seen
It's not that hard if we start to beleive
And were not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

Chorus

Show me a reason
Give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today
Or is it tonight
We'll find the answer to our life

This world is not at ease
We seem to hide the truth
But then there is only so much we can leave at ease
Its up to you and me
To fix our destinys
The turn is here so lets take a stand
And were not gonna take any more
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

(chorus)

So tell me why we have to cry ( i try)
When theres so many things we can do to help these troubles
The world will start anew
I need a reason
I need a sign
Theres no turning back
Im here by your side
Is it today or maybe tonight
We'll find
The answer to our lives
Show me the way
Give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today
Is it tonight
The answer to our lives

Vulnerable

Isn't it odd that the time you really want some form of comfort is the time when you are denied of it?

Decisions

Sometimes I think decisions suck. Especially mutually exclusive ones. How can you weigh the pros and cons of uncertainty? Stubborn-ess at the core of selfishness. How can there be a happy ending for all?

In the realistic world, there are unfulfiled dreams. In pursuing some (albeit not knowing if there is a megre possibility that it would come to pass), we have to let go of other things that matter to us.

Of course, nothing is set in stone.

But then again, turning away from some things means turning away from certain possibilities. We cannot have everything.

I want more than you can ever imagine. Right now, I don't know how to get there, and as days go by I am slowly losing faith. Reality bites, people mostly end up as nobodies. Why do we want to have more than we can get?

When I was 17, I wanted the world, but I only saw a speck of sand in a vast desert.
When I was 18, I wanted the continent, but I only saw a blade of grass in a field.
When I was 19, I wanted the country, but I only saw a tree in a forest.
When I was 20, I wanted the city, but all I can see was a single street.
Now I am 21, so young, so full of life, but I see... nothing. Can I even have that single street? I want everything I wanted even when I was 17, but I no longer believe in fairy tales.

Musing. Rather amusing. Bitter. Sweet. Life is.

You never know what the future brings. All's well that ends well. Where the wind blows, that is the path that I will follow.

We always have a choice. Always. Even if it is a hard choice, even if it is a biased choice, we still have a choice.

What will be my choice?