I think I'll indulge in my cravings

I want to eat meat.

Hostel only has curry meat.

And they are sometimes sour.

I need better food.

Urgh.

Yeah, when you are deprived of things, you will also start writing in fragments. I am so sick of my syllabus I impulsively eat my oranges, like four in one go. I have almost finished the whole pack of oranges. Guess that's a lot of vitamin c in me. Ascorbic acid is the scientific term for vitamin C. Did you know that one of its functions is as a preservative? So when junk food proclaims that it contains vitamin C, it does not make it less of a junk food because it is simply a preservative to keep the food from spoilage.

I wonder what causes the constant feeling of tiredness even after a whole night's worth of sleep.

I think my body just dreads another day of study. Shouldn't be bumming around online.

Very. damn. tired.

Wanna go back to bed :(

When you wake up and you feel that today won't be a good day

I'm tired even before I started.

Gotta try to stop feeling so bad everytime I wake up in the morning. I wonder if the biochemical signals in my endocrine system is out of whack. I'm alternating between moods of absolute high to very low, and feeling a bit of the latter at the moment.

Listening to Jimmy Eat World - Middle on my mp3.
"Everything is gonna be just fine. Everything is gonna be alright."

I am in the library right now, a pile of notes waiting for me upstairs. Went to the canteen to eat. Sigh I should stop eating. x_x

It's almost noon. I should get back to my books. It's depressing. I know I'm going to do badly, even though I've been studying for so long hours. Exams just kills every bit of thirst of knowledge in me.

I hate being mediocre.

I should stop posting only when I am feeling crappy.

Emo-ness

It seems like the recent weeks have been tough for a lot of people. So much so that the emo-ness in me has dissipated because I start worrying about other people instead. Yes, somehow trying to comfort other people makes me feel comforted myself.

Only quite recently, the word emo has been coined to this usage. I was emo way before the word was used and all these years wallowing in misery, I have learnt a thing or two.

I have learnt that emo-ness is not worth it. When it's all over and you look back, you will realise that all the heartache, all the pain, it is just not worth your time and energy. When we get emo, we focus all our thoughts on that one thing that causes that feeling, and more times than not, we miss how much we already have.

Always appreciate what you have right now at this moment. The past is the past, and when it's time to let go, it's time to move on. What is REALLY more important? We deny it all the time, don't we? Even when it is screaming right in front of our faces.

The sad thing is that, we all already know that. Yet somehow within out twisted souls we want to be emo. Admit it, we want to wallow in misery when the time calls for it.

So we know what we should do. Yet we live in denial for a moment because ironically, we want to feel that depression. Somehow feeling bad feels right.

Cheer up people. =) There is still lots to cherish in this world, cold and cruel as it can sometimes seem. Everything we go through are lessons to be learnt, and everytime we fall, its when we pick up the pieces and rise again which makes all the difference.

"When the night seems to be its darkest, it means the sun will soon rise up. Press on. Don't give up." This phrase brings back some memories to me. We all have our own issues. Take comfort in the fact that you are never alone, and emo-ness in an ironic way, connects the heart of people and binds us all together.

How it was today

I didn't think I'd still be angry. But today I realised that I am. Maybe it's because I never got to give you a piece of my mind. Maybe it's because I let you walk over me. But I thought I was more forgiving than this. I guess I was wrong.

Today was a relatively productive day. I had only an hour of class from 9-10am(which for the life of me, was one whole hour of copying one question of mathematical integrations for chemistry, which I didn't understand one bit), and then we went out to eat and then checked out the faces of malaysia exhibition at the college hall. After that I studied all the way till 5pm! =D I have almost completed the syllabus for tomorrow's test =) Just a little more to go in a moment.

If I keep this up, I think I will be okay.

Not going to screw up! yay! =D

My spirit is back. I am back on track.

I will make it =D

Subtle arrangement. Extreme emotions. Bitter aftertaste.

Don't ask me what's with the title. It's random.

I need to sleep EARLY. La la la la la

I managed to get some studying done today. If I do this everyday, I might just make it.

There is still a ray of light at the end of the tunnel. A beacon of hope.

Bittersweet aftertaste

I have been thinking.

I feel that a big portion of my life has been spent being depressed. I have a new resolution. Even though it is nowhere near new year, I should make this resolution.

I will not be emo.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will not be emo.
No more emo-ness.
It takes up too much of my life. It eats me up inside. It's not worth it.

I will stop being emo. *repeats to self*

What I will do, is start listening to the "advice" I give people. One should record one's own words so that one can eat them up later.

Random post

Oh cynicism, why do you love me so?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so is aspartame.

Which, by the way causes cancer even though it has zero calories, will not get absorbed and will not make you fat.

All good things has its price.

Artificial sweeteners are like artificial people. They seem so sweet but they kill you insidiously.

I shall detach myself from this world for the moment.

To handle yourself, use your head. To handle others, use your heart

I was forwarded a chain email, which incidentally I didn't delete before reading. A sentence caught my attention: Love people and use things, not use people and love things.

I have always been a cynic. Love is never one of the topics that I ever write about, except in a sarcastic cynical way. Perhaps it's because I think love is overrated, over-commercialised. I once did an assignment/presentation on the science of love, when we were to choose a science topic for an english assignment. I spent a lot of time and effort on that, and looking back at the files on my computer, here's one of the sentences I wrote in the introduction. Cynically, I am here with an objective to put forward the idea that in a way, love might just merely be chemistry and biology messing with our minds. Yes, my cynicism doesn't escape academic situations. An extract from my assignment:

Similar areas of the brain of a person high on cocaine with a person in love, and that of a mental patient and that of someone in love are lighted up (MRI brain scan). This explains the crazy things people do, which they would not do under normal conditions when they are in love. It also explains the irrationality and the lack of proper judgment. This may very well be said to be using your “heart over your head”, and that “love is blind” when in reality, it is just the chemicals messing with your head and turning your fined-tuned biological functions haywire. Romantics will hate this explanation.

It was an extremely interesting report, which I am so proud of, but the paper is probably collecting dust somewhere, or god forbid, thrown away after being scanned through just once by the lecturer to be graded. It covered love from all scientific aspects of biology, chemistry and psychology, and it also covers a theory on homosexuality.

But, let me put aside that science geeky-ness of mine for once and talk like a normal person.

Real love is when you think of someone else before yourself, when you give your heart out even if it means it makes you vulnerable. It's when just being around someone, doesn't matter what you're doing, and it makes your day complete. It's when someone makes you smile to yourself even when the person isn't there because you thought of that person. It's when nothing else seems to matter, and the world just disappears when you're with that person. It's being true to yourself and at the same time connecting emotionally with someone else. It's when you are willing and wanting to give someone everything you could ever want and more. It's when the thing you look most forward to is seeing that someone again, and it's the only thing you feel that keeps you alive. Love can be beautiful, if only it is real. Sure, the cascades of emotions may feel real but truth be said, life is no fairy tale, and love is nothing close to happy ever after. Did I mention I don't believe in love?

*tried to write something sweet and sappy and failed miserably*

I guess I am still cynical of love. Hopefully, one day someone will prove me wrong. Anything that makes me act like I've gone mad and uncontrollably drives me to extremes is dangerous, especially when I can't stay away from it once I fall into it. In a way, love is like drugs. You get addicted and then when you can't have it, you suffer withdrawal symptoms, and it becomes so hard to get over, sometimes people just succumb to the addiction and become a wreck. You swear and swear again and again that you will never fall in love, but I guess people are made to love, whether or not it's stupid or whether or not it's the most beautiful thing on earth. I guess in a way, love is like fire. It can be your friend, and it can be your foe, depending on how it's handled. It comes along when you least expect it, and wham! you're stuck in the whirlwind and you can't get out. Definitely not my idea of fun.

By the way, I think looks are superficial. If I EVER do fall in love, I swear it will only be because of who the person is inside. No matter how good a person looks, it means nothing. I search for meaning, not just eye candy. I never believe in love at first sight. Except of course, for my awesome black and silver puma backpack. =p

Human relationships are not things. Love people and use things, not use people and love things. If I do love, I will love with all my heart. I am not a full cynic, just half a cynic, and somewhere inside of me I want to believe that true love does exist in this cruel superficial overrated world.

Footprints

Footprints by the beach are washed away by the tide, but footprints people leave in our hearts stay forever etched in our memories. Those were my words, the first line of my form five graduation speech, a line that I hold so dear.

When people's lives become intertwined, nothing can be more beautiful. Think about it. Would we have the people that we have in our lives if it weren't for some weird twist of fate? Life gives us plenty to be amazed about, but sometimes we get so caught up that we forget that the simplest things are the most profound.

Whenever I switch on my phone, this messages comes on: Life is a gift. Treasure it. =)

No matter what happens life will still be beautiful if only we see it that way. I won't be like a fish in the ocean searching for water but failing to see that it's all around. Right now, I remind myself that the world can be my oyster, if only I see it that way.

=)

Suddenly, everything seems possible again.

I am in a good mood.

Is it all in my mind?

I have been so lethargic lately, nothing goes into my mind. It's like my mind is floating away in lectures, and it's not because I am thinking of something else, it's just that I am not thinking.

I am weary and exhausted. I could do with a break.

I'm getting that pair of nike shoes. Something to look forward to. A few more weeks to go, a month left before I finally return home. For once in ages, I am actually looking forward to it. =) Even though all I have back home is half my family and probably just one friend, I guess there is still no place like home. It's calm and it's reassuring. And I miss having good fish to eat. Maybe I'm turning stupid because I lack omega 3. =P

I think of the calm waters of the South China Sea as I ride along the road, the crowing of the severely confused rooster at all times of the day, the trickling of the stream against the smooth rocks just outside the house perimeter, the spaciousness of our high ceilinged one storey house, internet that doesn't have anything against me, and a brand new shopping mall that was merely in construction the last time I was back, and suddenly it feels like home would be a good place to be.

I miss being sharp and being able to function better than this. What is wrong with me?

Was it all just a fragment of imagination? Maybe it was. Probably it was. And yet what it evoked was and is still real. Real enough to lose all my senses and fall deep down to a place I swore I will never enter again.

Lesson learnt. Never swear you won't again because it's jinxed. Once said, it becomes inevitable and it's deja vu all over again.

I said I believed miracles are all around us in the bleakest of situations. Maybe they are, or maybe they are too a fragment of my imagination, conjured up for comfort.

Tomorrow tomorrow I love you tomorrow, you're only a day away.

I love to sew the edges of my thoughts back together and piece everything till it makes up a big picture. But it's gathering back all the pieces that the wind blew to shreds far apart from each other is what's going to make it difficult.

I think things over and over again, but in the end, I'll always just do things on impulse.

It's not what the mind thinks, it's where the heart wants to go. But where the heart wants to go, the words are forbidden. So one holds back.

I wish it was Christmas tomorrow. Of all the utter randomness. I don't like late nights, and yet I still deprive myself of sleep.

I really want to write a post where I can say what I want to say and write what I want to write, but the words, they just don't spill out of my hands. I want to express how I feel with all thats churning in my mind, but I can't seem to find the words to put it without revealing too much. It's hard being judged, especially when you are your own judge.

But I am relatively happy. Or at least I will be soon enough. I just need to keep going.

There goes another day

Yeah I had to sleep, I was just too tired. And I still feel tired.

Rewind please. Don't keep fast-forwarding, it makes me dizzy.

Stupid people and stupid questions

They annoy me to bits. If you wanna ask a question so stupid, please realise that I won't bother to answer. Some people just never learn from previous experiences.

Some people are just so stupid you don't want to talk to them anymore.

Another wordy post....

I have been surrounded by a thick fog that clouded my vision, and now it's time to break away from all the restrains of doubt that has bound me thus far. From somewhere deep within I will need to draw the strength to make the best of what is left. I am to live life with no regrets, and I will not regret. For to regret is useless, to mend is what's useful.

There are still a few things that depress me to bits but I will try not to care. I made a promise to myself today, a promise so cynical, I hope I won't be forced to keep. I have been stupid these couple of months, but it's not to late to turn that stupidity around. I will try to be content with what I have at the moment instead of chasing for the impossible.

For other matters, my dreams are still floating in the wind, and what comes next depends on where the wind blows me to. Every small decision we make changes the course of our lives in some way. A decision I made two years ago made a huge impact on my life the following years. A decision I made barely a few months ago is showing the difference it's making. And the decisions I will make soon enough will be life-changing and they will affect other people. Change is always daunting, especially if one is not sure if change is what one wants.

I always wanted more than what a normal person wants. Perhaps it's because I feel that what any ordinary person wants, I can't have that easily. So in order to comfort myself, I go for bigger fish. Having dreams, setting goals, they have always worked for me. The only problem is that whenever I want something that I can work for, I always get it in the end. Since every dog has its day, I wonder how will I take it when one fine day, I fail to do so, and everything I worked for, everything I worked towards, they all just fall apart and come crashing down. Will I be able to pick up the pieces and be whole again? Will I be able to find the strength to get up again?

On second thoughts, to think about it, I have had so many disappointments in my life, and so many let downs I think I can very well bounce back up after a few emo nights. I've forgotten how many down points I have had. Somehow good memories stay good long after they happen, and yet bad memories, they just don't seem so bad after all.

I guess everyone faces the same few issues. Different as they may be, it's the essence of humanity that binds us together. The way we share the types of emotions, the way we connect socially, even our biological DNA is 99.9% identical.

Tomorrow it's back to my no-life routine. Study day ahead.

13 hours

I just woke up from one long long long long night of sleeping.

Yeah, I slept for 13 hours last night. I feel so good today that I can wake up earlier and blog this post. Even though it means I didn't do anything yesterday. NOTHING. Gosh, I feel so useless sometimes.

I had lots of lucid dreams, some less so than others. There were dreams within dreams but the most vivid was that this pretty, innocent cousin of mine threw a butcher's knife right at my forehead in the middle of an intersection of roads. In my dream, she went crazy, and there was even a playback on what she did, where she got the knife, how she got the knife. She was wearing this pretty red dress with a satin sash tied at the ends to a bow. Of the whole crowd that was there, it HAS to be me that the knife got thrown at. If dreams are meant to be interpreted, I wonder what a butcher's knife striking your forehead is supposed to mean. I never died though. I always almost die in my dreams but I never really do die.

Then I recall regaling the tale to someone, wondering if it was a dream or did it really happen. All within another dream, thus this was what I meant as a dream within a dream.

I wonder why I feel permanently lethargic. I am well rested today but I just feel like I'm not looking forward to yet another day. I need some excitement to spice things up. A fair bit of harmless entertainment would be good. =) I only have an hour and the half of classes today. Going to study after that and I mean it. If I don't I could very well jump off klcc because I am so gonna fail. =( Yeah I depress and demotivate myself all the time, twisted as it may be, it keeps the engine running.

Thank you

Suddenly I feel so thankful and warm.

Thank you for caring.

Poetry

Suddenly I am reminded of a stanza from a poem I recited for a poetry recitation competition when I was ten. Yeah I STILL remember these lines, and they play themselves in my head so ironically (you'll know what I mean when you read the stanza). Those days, I was still terrified of going on stage, my heart would be pounding furiously before and as I walk up, and my whole body felt like it was literally shaking that I wondered if people noticed. I got so terrified I thought my voice shook, but I think it never did. I was afraid of ridicule, afraid of looking stupid, afraid of making a big mistake. Ironic how I got over stage fright, I love being on stage now, and talking to people, but I am even more afraid of people real time. Anyway, the first stanza, the only one I can remember from memory:

The world is such a happy place

Where every child should dance and sing

And always have a smiling face

And never grumble for anything

The world is SUCH A HAPPY PLACE indeed. Did I really believe that? It's funny how I get so emo when I'm writing, but when someone who is sad talks to me, I always seem to turn positive. It's odd don't you think? Speak emo-ly to someone who's usually emo, and they'll turn positive just to comfort you. I think all humans are emotionally craving creatures. I remember back in KK once, I was talking to this permanent pessimist friend of mine, and sounding absolutely optimistic, he says that for me everything is a garden of flowers, all happy and filled with sunshine. It's so ironic it amuses me. I tell you, I am no optimist nor am I a pessimist. I just sound negative when I write because I only write when I am in a pessimistic mood, and then I feel better after that. Optimism = happy mood = no urge for therapeutic rants. Plus, I write better when I'm pessimistic. You can compare the emo and non-emo posts for yourself. I think the former expresses a whole lot more than the latter does.

Do you know that twinkle twinkle little star has more than one stanza? My first ever time on stage, primary two.

After the stanza we all know and recite as kids, this is stanza two from my memory

When the blazing sun is gone

When he nothing shines upon

Then you show your little light

Twinkle twinkle all the night

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are.

There was a third paragraph but I have forgotten it. Something that talks about unveiling curtains and travelers and peeking through something something. Amazing how these poems still stay in my memory, and yet I can't even remember what I learnt in class today. I think I am getting dumber. haha No, I think our mind is like the computer, the more you put into it, the slower it gets. Pretty soon it all gets clogged up and it hangs. Information overload.

It's been ages since I wrote my own poetry. Used to have a book of poetry. Yes, filled with dark poems, but I always thought they have a certain beauty of their own, even though for most cases they are usually just crap. Suddenly have the urge to write in rhyme.

Cascades of memories shimmer in my mind
Ahead seems fuzzy, the past lost behind

A moment ago evanescing to the far beyond
Triumph, glory, vanishes. the dark side won

Argh I wrote three stanzas just now, and I have no idea what it was, I didn't get saved =( It's lost. The moment of inspiration has gone. I can spew no more rhymes from my keyboard. You know they say by studies done, the dirtiest thing in your house is NOT your toilet bowl, but it's your computer keyboard.

Yes my old love. Poetry. I can't write even if my life depended on it right now. I always knew I never had the talent.

I sum up the strength to look ahead
The swirling mist. doubt. holds back.
It's not ego speaking its being afraid
No one will ever understand that.

It's been awhile since I used the library computers. I recall spending hours in this place, trying to withstand the extreme cold of the aircon which always chilled my fingers till they got numb. I remember jokingly thinking how it was going to get me frostbite. Then I would need to chop my fingers off one by one. Thank goodness for swift typing on msn, keeps the blood flowing. Not my legs though, they'll probably get deep vein thrombosis like those people who don't move when they are on the plane for too long.

I feel extremely moodless today. Even the skies have turned grey for once in the recent weeks filled with scorching hot weather. Suddenly have the urge to highlight strands of my hair BRIGHT RED.

I also want to have sushi and oreos.

I know. Should stop having these weird cravings. If I didn't know any better I would have diagnosed myself with both an eating disorder and obsessive-compulsive behavior. Or maybe I REALLY don't know any better.

I think I'll look nice with red highlights.

Where dreams are only dust

When you spend a night staring straight ahead of you, you're transported to another world that doesn't exist anywhere else but your imagination.  When tangible images disappear and snippets of the intangible floats in midair, you know, you are going nuts.

Haha

I think after a bitter moment, right now I am feeling very happy.  It's a bit odd, I wonder what is it with my unstable hormones lately.  I think stress is getting into me big time.  I find myself bursting into an uncontrollable laughing fit in a moment, and the next I become so depressed as though the world is heading towards an inevitable end.

What would you do if today is your last day on this planet?  Would you do the things you love?  Would you talk to the people who mean the most to you?  Would you spend your last moments giving to others what you could do to help?  Or would you just moan your fate in that dark claustrophobic room of yours that is as messy as it has always been?  Or would you just, out of a whim and fancy spend the night cleaning your room? haha then when you die, people will think that you were such an absolutely neat and clean person.  Does wonders for your reputation.  Bloody random.

I like writing.  I smile to myself for no reason.  I think writing somehow releases endorphines in my brain =D  

Damn sad wei

Another rejection letter.  This time by email which took ages to open.  I tell myself it's ok.  It's ok.  I guess its time to lower my expectations.  Hopes get crushed when you expect too much.

Let me wallow in misery for a short while first.

If it depends on luck then why the bloody hell do we need to put in so much effort?  They say the world's unfair.  IT IS.

I wish money grew on trees.

Haha damn bitter lah me.  x_x  It happens when you keep getting rejection letters.  They make you very sore.  

Thinking

Have you ever been working so hard in something but then wonder at the end of the day what is the whole point of it?  When you pour your heart and soul into what you're doing and smile at the results at the end of the day, yet in a short while everything is forgotten and lost in time.  All your hard work, all the effort, what does it really matter?

In many situations humans are just mere puppets bending to the strings of the puppeteer.  It is like we are just objects in a board game, and it is the turn of the dice that controls our fate.