Emotionless

I used to be very emotional.
I used to take small things and blow them out of proportion in my head.
I used to dwell in my thoughts as they play themselves over and over.

But now all I am doing is avoiding.
Avoiding.
Avoiding.
Avoiding.

Avoiding thinking about it.
Avoiding talking about it.
Avoiding anything to do with it.

This wall around me, it doesn't go away.
Surrounding,
suffocating,
blocking you out.

I'm sorry.

Lights

Soft shimmers of reflected lights upon the water surface, the emerald glow of the glass neck, that sparkle in your eyes, its perfect. So perfect.

The winds of fate blows us to places that our thoughts have never conceived. The physical setting of the place smolders to being immaterial when our spirits interconnect. No matter where we are, no matter what we are doing, the heart and the mind entwines like the weaves of thread that makes up an intricate pattern on fabric.


My smile is not merely just the involuntary facial muscles at work, but it irradiates from within. Softly, gently, I feel the warmth coursing through my veins. Meeting of the minds, melding of the hearts, it fits like a jigsaw puzzle that magically puts together a picture. A picture that paints a thousand words. The thousand indescribable words you painted in me. xxxooo

After-exam blues

Emotionless-ness. Found this on deviant art, I find it so beautifully melancholic. It conveys so much without saying anything. This is exactly what they mean when they say a picture paints a thousand words.

My thoughts swirl around my head, convoluting into a mass of incomprehensible matter. I am too tired to unwind the twisted strands of my mind. If is wants to stay as coiled up as it is, then let it. I surrender to the tide, let it wash away the shadows of uncertainty.

Something different

Helen Keller once said "the best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen nor touched, but are felt with the heart".

Slowly but surely, the light creeps up and the warmth surrounds me. Unexpected, unexplained, and yet so natural. Discard the fears, discard the doubts and embrace it with open arms.

Tentative initially. Once bitten twice shy. And yet this time around, it feels different. A world of a difference.

Things are going to be perfect. :)

My 21st

I have turned 21. This year I decided to just sit back and not plan a single thing... but I feel so touched that people planned stuff for me :D :D Thank you everyone for making me feel so loved :)

Sharon, Chong, William, Kuan Minn, Joan Wayne, Lip Son, me, Yee Herng, Zhi Jun, Emily, Jane

They know I like korean food, so we went to Straffield (the korean town of sydney) on the 24th. The mudcake they bought for me was delicious :D After that we headed to the city. Alex and Chan Kit joined us. We ended up at the Pancakes on the Rocks. Had pancakes (even though we were so full!), drinks, and just sat around and chat. It was so nice :)

They got me this necklace!!! :D :D :D Thank you so much its so pretty :) And thanks for the card :)

On the 25th....

I went to play badminton like any usual Sunday :)

Then went for lunch with Klement and Jia Jun (thanks guys! :D) After that, hung out at Alex's place and played jimrami (i don't know how you spell this). I met up with Derrick and then headed out to the city for dinner and a movie. :) Oh, and I got pink and black earphones hehe. It was a lovely day. Simple yet so nice. Thank you :)

Yesterday, mail came for me from my sister. She was so thoughtful to send me the world's most random and funniest card. :D Enclosed were also 3 really really pretty earrings all the way from Malaysia. :D Thank you so much jie :) She even called me on my mobile just to chat even though it's damn expensive, but we chatted for so long. It was so nice.

Someone who never ever ever sings to anyone sang me happy birthday :D I was so touched. Thank you hehe :) I'll leave out your name so other people won't ask you to sing for them hahaha =p

Today Phoebe shouted (that means treat or belanja, in Australian slang) me lunch as my birthday present (so sweet of her, thanks!). She gave me a free pass to a movie too :D We had thai food for lunch at coogee, then walked down to the beach for a short while, just lying down on the sand and chilling. It was so nice. Thereafter, we headed off back to uni to study till 10pm. >.<

This was the sand at coogee beach. I swirled a representation of a rose.. for you :)

Thanks for all the wishes, the phone calls, the sms-es, the fb msges. You know who you are, and I definately know who you are :) :) :) I am so touched and I appreciate it all so much. Love all of you so much. xxxooo

Peaceful

Don't you just love this photo? This was taken in Gold Coast when I was there, at around sunset. It mirrors how I feel right now. Calm, peaceful and contented. Life is beautiful =)

Pride

Pride brings about the downfall of men...

But without a certain amount of pride, what are we?
Where else would we get our dignity?
How else can we walk with our heads up high?

There needs to be a balance between pride and humility.
Confidence and modesty.

Do not be a doormat.
Do not let others take advantage of you.

Be proud of who you are and what you can do.
Don't let others bring you down.

Being yourself is the best that you can be.
Believe in that.
And stand tall.

If I want to hate, I can hate so many people. =(
But I am just too tired to do so. I forgive.
I always do.
People take advantage of that.
Am I too nice for my own good?

Slacking queen

I am toying with the idea of watching Wicked... Should I? It's so expensive, but then again.... I really want to watch it!!!

I don't feel like going home right now. What should I do? Bum around some more in the library? That is just so sad man... nothing to do, hang out in the library. -_-" lol

It's oktoberfest tonight at the Roundhouse. The line is so crazy long I'm not bothering to join the queue. What shall I do tonight?

Oh oh, and you know what happened to my contact lenses yesterday? It tore and I left a piece in my eye the whole night without realising till like 10am this morning.... =S

I hope it did no harm.

Ah well, I am in a talkative mood right now. Talk to me!

Personality

I don't care how you look
I don't care how you dress
I don't care how much money you have
I don't care how influential your family is
I don't care if you have a car or a nice house
I don't care about any of these

I want to know what kind of person you are
How you treat the people around you
How you talk to your friends
The things that you treasure
Your hopes and dreams
Your thoughts

Whether you do things for others because you care
Whether you are interested in people because of who they are not what they are
Whether you will sacrifice your time to help the people dear to you
Whether you will go out on your way to make someone who means something feel special
Whether you are nice not just to be courteous but because you are sincere
Whether you take that initiative to try and understand someone else instead of only looking from your own perspective

I care about people for their character.
I don't care about material goods.
I don't care about physical attraction.
I don't care about anything else really but who the person is.

If you cannot understand that then leave.
Since that is what I care about, I expect at least SOME people to think the same way.
If you only care about other stuff then I feel really sorry for your shallowness.
For I am much deeper than that.

And just a note, I am an independent person with a mind of my own so don't try to dictate how I think and what I do because that is an insult to my intelligence.

Logic makes the world go round

It's ironic how sometimes you do things, fully aware of the circumstances and the way things are done, and yet unexpectedly the consequences on your emotional well-being knocks you off your feet. You are unprepared for the side effects, and you spend days trying to find the logic of it. You want to forget about it, but it just doesn't want to be forgotten. Every time you close your eyes, every time you take a deep breath, every time you listen to a song, every time you lie back and sink into the soft covers, the images flash across.

You don't wanna think about it, and yet it still hurts you. You never expected to feel anything. You are surprised. You appear cool and calm and indifferent. Yet at odd occasions, you suddenly experience waves of extreme sadness, triggered by no apparent reason. You never imagined it would even affect you in any way.

You don't even want to think if you've lost anything. You don't feel sorry for yourself. You don't even care.

You don't expect anything, but I guess you just want to be treated like you matter. You don't expect anything special, all you need is something slightly more than obligatory civil-ness.

I still write in 2nd person when it should be in 1st. It always feels more impersonal when I do that.

I am a friend, not a rock. I am not made of stone, although you may be. Cold.

Depressed

The waves come crashing over me. Over and over again as I struggle to stand. When I finally do, the next wave knocks me down again. I am tired. I try so hard to fight this, but the forces are pushing me against my dwindling strength.

The water keeps choking me, I'm drowning, struggling, gasping as the liquid fills my lungs, overwhelmed. My mind goes blank, my heart pumps faster. I feel helpless.

The pounding of warm water against skin, dripping down the strands of wet hair, crouching in a foetal-like position. Sobbing so hard, the ends of my fingers are numb, the edges of my lips are quivering.

I feel so small. So lost.

Cold

The weather has gone crazy. It's too cold. I don't like the cold.

Give me back the warmth... in more ways than one.

Do you know...

Do you know how hard it is...

Smiling and laughing...
Shutting things out...
Engrossing one's self in work
Putting full attention in a movie to not think about anything else...
Typing but not being able to say what it feels inside...
Lying down awake in bed thinking...
Hiding my feelings even from myself...
Ignoring the emptiness...
Ignoring the silence....
Ignoring everything...

Do you know how hard it is?

Suddenly changing everything I said I would...
Just to feel better...
Just to tell myself that I am better than that...

Do you know how hard it is?

To reach out randomly...
To choke but hold back the spasms..
To shower in the hottest water the skin can stand...
Just to wash away everything...
Everything...

Do you know how hard it is?

I resolve to make my life worthwhile. To make my time here worthwhile. To do all the things that can make me hold my head up high.

And forget.

On a lighter note, shutting things out and smiling at the world makes me realise how many people are always there for me. I swear without all of you I would be in pieces. PIECES.

Thank you. I will always take comfort in the fact that my world is so beautiful because of all the people around me. =)

Red skies

I woke up this morning, and the sky was ORANGE. Dust storm alert!! There's a layer of dust over everything in the room, and a thick mist of dust obscures vision. Looks like the after-effects of a bomb or something. ;p

Apparently this is caused by a cold front approaching Adelaide today and tracks east across NSW. The temperature is expected to be like 10 degrees lower than yesterday and strong winds are predicted.

After being stuck in uni last night because of the rain, I am concluding that the weather these few days have gone crazy.

It's interesting how my body is able to adapt to these fluctuations of temperature easily. I used to feel SOOOOO cold with a 1-2 degree drop in temperature. Now I'm not hot when it gets warm, and not really cold either when the temperature drops.

Spring may bring crazy weather changes but I still like spring, because no matter what it's a lot warmer than winter.

Answer me

I do not understand people with the XY chromosome.

Why can't they just turn into Drosophilas?! At least they are much better understood.

I think I like innocent people.

But I also have a feeling that they don't exist.

Salad craze!!!

I spend like 47 dollars in the supermarket yesterday just buying ingredients for the salad + fruits... sooooo EXPENSIVE!!!!

Mwahaha. I made my own salad. Yum yum.

Mixed leaves + kidney beans + chickpeas + butter beans + raisins + carrot + cherry tomato + tuna+ kiwi fruit + french dressing + mango (an afterthought lol)

Sooooo yummy!!! :D :D :D :D And healthy hehe.

Mid semester break

I am back from my Brisbane/Gold Coast trip but too lazy to post stuff up. Go look at my facebook, all the photos are there :)

It was a good holiday but all my uni work is piling up. 4 assignments due next week!!!!! @_@

I should not be blogging right now.

Life is awesome and I've been in a really good mood these few days. Sometimes it takes a change in perception to really see things the way they are, and to really appreciate the people that you have in your life. Knowing and understanding how blessed I am makes life just amazing.

The weather is getting better, it's springtime and its warmer. I like. =) I'm changing my lifestyle. Early to bed, early to rise. I have been waking up at 8-9 am every morning for the past week!! So proud of myself. I even went jogging yesterday. And instead of craving for a brownie, I craved for a salad.

~Interesting~

Oh and just a note, screw you.

But then again, thank you. haha.

Cheers!

ZZZzzzzZZZZzzzZZZZzzz

Black and blue

I feel so peaceful.

I wish for everyone peace from within, and peace with others.

Serenity is bliss.

Annoyed

It's just one of those days where EVERYTHING is annoying.

I am very annoyed

I am broken...
It's all broken...
Nothing can fix it...

I don't wanna think about it...
I don't wanna care about it...

I am not thinking of it...
I am not caring about it...

But I am so empty.

I am missing.. everything...
Yet I am annoyed at... everything...

I am wishing... nothing...
Yet I feel like everything is... missing.

I don't understand this feeling.

Jiwang

Remember this word? Jiwang~

Gentle soft breeze on a cool day sets the tone. Sweet silence envelopes the emptiness within. A fleeting feeling of need, of want. Listening to emo-lyrical music leaking in from the opposite building. Letting my fingers do the walking on the white keyboard in the computer lab. Something is missing.

What will complete me?

XXXOOO=jiwang mode=XXXOOO

Lazy bone

Lazy bones activated. Help!!! It seems to be contagious. Now all my other bones are affected.

How I've been spending the nights

I am doing Uni work every single night for hours.

Feels good. =)

I like having work to complete. It makes me feel like I'm doing something productive with my time.

Looking forward to a WELL EARNED (in more ways than one) holiday soon.

Sunday

Sunday, baby it's the early hours of sunday.

What are you going to do today?

I'm staying home to study. -_-" Have a happy sunday people!

If you're bored, look for me. We can discuss ... erm... DNA


-_-"

Wheeee! Randommmm

Enchanting stories. Forbidden places. Excitement. Suspense. Thrill. Exhilaration.

Things that are missing right now.

Anyone cares to concoct some form of drama?

Just a thought.

Dove : a symbol of peace

If you love something, set it free.

I'm supposed to be fully recovered

At least I thought I was

But no matter

:)

It's all good

Who am I?

Sometimes I wonder...

What do people see when they see me?

Does it even matter?

Yet again I came to the realisation of how precious life is. How fortunate I am. A casual passing statement can change your perspective, it can remind you of how wonderful your life currently is.

I am grateful to have all these people in my life. :)

Peace within

Like a drop of water, you bring life to a withered flower
The warm blanket of smiles envelopes this wounded heart
With a breath of fresh air, I am no longer suffocated

I am at peace.

Watson's bay

Went to Watson's bay on Saturday last week. It is the oldest fishing village, a lovely place with the most beautiful scenery. It was a bright and sunny day, and we had sudden cravings for gelato (or at least I had and apparently it was contagious). I had an awesome day out, and I just wanna share it up here on my blog.

Pretty pretty. White crested waves as they foam around the rocks down below the cliffs.

Apparently people like jumping off cliffs.

Lol and just a note, we passed by a nude beach on the way. Like it was below the cliff in which we were strolling. There were just old nude men. -_-" Although that view wasn't as good (LOL), but I would have to say that stretch of beach was pristine. The skies were so blue, making the sea a vast brilliant blue with white sparkles as it reflects the sun rays, and the sand looked like fine golden powder. Oh, and the sand and water were COLD. Quite a surprise to me for it was a warm day, and probably because I'm used to warm sand and warm sea water. I'm from Malaysia after all.

We had grilled fish. I also tasted a bit of fried fish and chips off a friend's. All in all it was an awesome day out.

We got back to the city by ferry, just in time to witness the sunset. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

Ming Xiu, Sharon, Catherine, Sze May, Varsha, Michelle and I

Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through the emotional turmoil now and again. It's as though I have some morbid weird satisfaction from it. Go figure.

Today I feel calm and peaceful.

I am missing someone. But not in that twisted "I-wish-things-were-different" way. I'm glad.

I am not messing about with feelings anymore. There is such thing as enjoying company just for the sake of enjoying someone's company. Nothing has to be added to the equation to complicate things. To smile, to laugh. I think that's all that's needed to brighten up the world. No expectations, no wants.

Thank you. =)

My patience has its limits

I'm not one to complain about crazy sleeping habits, but this is getting on my nerves.

How would you like being woken up by somebody's incessant alarm ringing at the oddest hours of the night. (4am? 5am? 6am? even 2 am sometimes?) AND... the person who sets the alarm never wakes up, and it rings and rings and rings till you wake up and get angry and then it stops, only to ring and ring and ring again without the person turning it off (or only turning it off after a long long time).

Seriously, I cannot stand that many more days on this. I am deprived of sleep enough as it is, without all of this.

I wish I had my own room.

Even though my roommate is a nice girl and everything in all other ways....

I hate sharing rooms.

Winter Holidays

I had an awesome winter. I know the previous posts were all emo (like the pic, nice yes?) but those are only short moments at night, so please don't worry about me. =) I really appreciate all the concern though.

I'm too lazy to put this is chronological order, but want to share these. =)

What I did during winter:

Yesterday - Went to see Harry potter 6!!! It was awesome. The best so far.

Sunday- 19th June - Aroma festival at the rocks. wakaka this time I am the one who's lazy to blog about it. Visit Michelle/Ming xiu's blog to know more. lol

Kevin, Phoebe, Me, Michelle and Ming Xiu

Gingerbread man

The Mona Lisa. Guess what it is made up of?

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COFFEE CUPS!!!! Now, just how cool is that?

High school friends + new friends were up from Adelaide and down from Brisbane in Sydney for a week. Had a great time hanging out. =D =D

Laurane, Joawen, Me, Conie, Ray, Sherman's cousin, Kevin.

Bryant, Des, Sherman

Muacks lol

hahahaa

Bondi beach

Waiting for the ferry. Me, Laurane, Joawen, Conie, Des

Darling harbour bridge

Ichiban boshi at Galleries Victoria. I ate the 15-bowls-a-day-only ramen (don't remember what it's called)

Playing Guitar hero with Dom

Full rack prok ribs at Hurricane Grill in bondi. Even though Laurane and I shared, we still couldn't finish it

Cheers! Some club at Darling Harbour

Conie, Laurane, Joawen and I at King's cross

Pretty fountain. hehe prettier girls? hahaha

Star City Casino