3 more weeks

I will miss this place so much. The people that I've met in the past 2 years, the friendships that I have made, the interesting experiences I can't have had elsewhere, the lifestyle I've grown to love. I've grown a lot in these two years and learnt so much. I hope that wherever life takes me to next, I will remember the lessons that I learnt in my 2 years here.

I shall miss everyone. :(

Randomness

Frittata, steamed fish, kangaroo kebabs and sing-along youtube while recording our voices.

That was how I spent yesterday with M&M (& I am the 3rd M).

Life is good!!

Michelle says we should sing mad world (I'm guessing because recording 16 random sing-with-youtube songs is kinda mad)

hahaha had fun with you girls, and the fritatta was good! :D

Don't ask a question when you don't want to hear the answer

How stupid can one get?

Why do we always ask questions we don't want to hear the answer to? What is the point asking, do you care about me? What is the point asking things when the answer would cause pain, whatever the answer is? And what is the point of calling?

Why do I still care? Why do I still think? Why do I still have that craving to turn back time? Why do I still feel the need to see that smile?

I miss you.

So pretty!!! I want a set too :) :)

Ahhh... have been borrowing Michelle's nail stamp thingy to paint my nails~~ I wanna buy one too, but they're just so damn expensive :( Gonna paint them again tmr! :D

Humans are weird

Yes, we are weird creatures. We think that we are the puppet master, but you know what? We are all marionettes. We are all puppets on a string. The moment you think you have the upper hand, the next moment you will be solemnly brought back to earth by the realisation that you are living in your own delusional world.

Our relationship with other puppets(people) is horizontal, and how the strings of fate bend is out of our direct control. We think that we can rationalise the "big picture" by making logical sense of what we understand, but our understanding is just a horizontal, linear one-dimensional understanding between puppets. We do not have the capacity to understand the puppet master, and where the strings of fate will lead us, our guess is as good as grappling randomly in the air. Our thoughts are merely speculation, and we will never ever truly know.

Me

It's funny how much I care about people. Is everyone that way? When I care about someone, I feel like I want to make them happy. When I sense that someone is unhappy, I immediately want to alleviate that and bring a smile back to their face. I want to open up my arms and give them a hug and help them feel that everything will be alright. I hate it when people I care about blatantly refuse to let me in. I feel very frustrated when I am unable to make someone feel better when I know if they would just let me, I would be able to. I am not seeking for anything in return. Seeing the person smile again, that is reward enough. So, am I just too nice for my own good?

I'm just protecting myself

When you decided to leave
The one I dearly adore
The words I dared to believe
They don't mean anything anymore

The hurt the pain it cuts deep
I was bleeding, my head spinning
Felt like spending all day in sleep
Was numb till no more feeling

Now you say you miss me
And you want me back
For how long, there's no guarantee
Before you take it all back

I'm not a plastic bag
Reusable, disposable, recyclable
I'm tired, I raise a white flag
Too drained to listen to a new fable

To you, what is love?
Just a word thrown in the wind
I'm gonna rise above
The stupid voice within

That's telling me how much I care
And how much I still want you
I'm not taking this foolish dare
I'm gonna close my eyes and bid you adieu

You broke my heart and broke my trust
All the defences I let down
Put them up again I must
Or else in your hands I will drown

Maybe if you search hard enough and find the lock
To open the door of the heart I'm closing
You might get past this block
But not now, not for the time being

The broken pieces I pick
Of this wounded heart
Slowly back together they'll stick
It'll be my work of art

Late at night

Late at night, I can't fall asleep. I shouldn't have been looking at old photos. I shouldn't have been digging for memories. When I lie down, tears slide down my cheeks. I remember those nights when I felt particularly vulnerable and I would cry softly in the dark. I remember those nights when I felt like that and you were there. You could wrap your arms around me, even though not understanding why I was acting the way I was, but those nights, I suddenly felt that I was not alone anymore. I remember one night after a series of days like that, and you came over and hugged me and said to me softly don't cry tonight, and those words, it touched my heart. It made tears fall down again, but not because I was sad but because I was so touched that I was loved, I was cared for.

And now I lay on my bed and the tears keep falling and they keep falling and they keep falling. And there's no one to hold me close. I feel all alone. I miss you. And it hurts so bad that I miss you. That I miss someone who doesn't miss me anymore.

And the whole day I am fine, I am happy even. I laugh, I go on with what I do, I have fun. But late at night, these feelings creep up on me again. The tears just can't stop tonight. The hurt just cuts through and my heart it hurts. Its hurts. It hurts.

Feelings

After a day of laughter and smiles, when everything is quiet and I'm shut out from the world, the feelings rush over me again. Why does it keep doing this?

Why can't my emotions just leave me alone?

No wrong and no right

There is no wrong and no right in a relationship.

Take good care of yourself. I took awhile being angry, but I forgive you. I am not longer angry. I am no longer hurt. I will always cherish what we had. I am not sad that it's over. I am glad that it happened.

Perhaps it was also an oversight on my part. I'm guessing a part of you didn't feel appreciated the way I actually did appreciate you. For making you feel that way, I am very sorry. Everyone deserves to feel appreciated and important. Remember that you were that to me, and everything I have said to you that supports that in the past, they are true.

The break up was ugly. I'm very disappointed you gave up on us. But a wrong doesn't cancel a right. And all the moments that were perfect, all those moments that were right. They will always stay right, at least to me.

Cheers!

"Here's to the men we love, here's to the men that love us. Since the men that we love, aren't the men that love us ... screw the men... here's to us."

I deserve more

It was awesome while it lasted. But you are not you anymore. The old you would NEVER treat me or talk to me this way. I do not deserve to be spoken to like this. I do not deserve the words that you said. I deserve better. You will miss me. But right now, I don't really care.

Right

It's true. It will never work out long term.
I rest my case.

What about me?

When you hurl hurtful words at me...
I try to understand your point of view.

When you act like you don't care...
I try to think about how you are feeling. Why you are feeling the way you do.

When you feel unwell...
I send you a message hoping you get better soon.

When you feel like you aren't appreciated...
I try to explain to you that you are.

When you ignore me...
I try to understand you need some space.

When you say you love me...
I don't hesitate before saying it back.

When people say things about you that aren't nice...
I defend you and say that it's not the way it seems.

When you look at me and say nothing means anything...
I tell you to me, we had something special.

When you feel like it, you look for me...
And I will always answer you.

When you feel like you want to avoid me...
I have to try and understand it.

When you tell me you want to break up again...
I'm just too tired to talk anymore. I'm just to tired to try anymore.

You say that for me, my feelings of feeling wanted and special is more important than your health. That is not true. Your health is important. I want you to be well. I want you to be happy.

But as important as you are to me, as important are my feelings of not being neglected and unwanted.

What about me?

My mental and emotional well being is as important as an hour of your sleep. So I overlooked the time a little, and because of that, you want to break. You suddenly say look at the clock and hurl vicious words at me. A few moments ago you were talking about us like we were still together. You were looking at me the way you always did. Did you think about what the sudden change in attitude would do to me? Did you think about how hurtful it is? Your sleep is important, I agree. Did you ask me if my sleep was important? Did you know what I meant to do yesterday night? Did you ask what I needed to complete today? Before I talked to you, I even asked you if you were ready to hear from me.

What about me?

Did you think about how I feel? Did you think about the pain you caused me in these few weeks? Did you think about the strength it took to not lash out, to not be angry, to understand your point of view, to try to look at it from a 3rd person's perspective. Did you think about how much it takes to get over the feeling that someone you love would rather abandon you because they like the prospect of their life better without you? Did you think about how much it took to just look past us and enjoy the other bits in life? Did you think it was easy for me? Did you think about my feelings? Everything is more important than my feelings, aren't they? I put YOUR feelings above mine. When I talk to you, I put on a happy face even though it's the only thing that is ripping me apart. Why? Because I don't want you to feel bad, I don't want you to feel guilty. I want you to feel alright by telling you I'm ok. I put aside my pride because I thought that the relationship was worth something precious. I thought about us. You thought about you.

What about me?

You are angry. Did you ever think, maybe I am angry as well? Do I deserve to be treated this way? Would you treat me this way last time? You aren't the same person I fell in love with. The guy I fell in love with would always take me in his arms when I make a mistake and tell me that it's alright and he still loves me. The guy I fell in love with would rack his brains to cheer me up when I felt down. The guy I fell in love with was happy when he saw me. The guy I fell in love with would do anything to see me smile. The guy I fell in love with told me nothing beats the feeling of being in a relationship. The guy I fell in love with made me feel special, wanted, appreciated, loved. I was important to the guy I fell in love with. Why should I stay where I'm not wanted?

You give me silent treatment when you feel like it. Now I want my own space too. I want to take care of myself. My emotional well being is important to me. I don't want to hear anything right now. I have no space and no emotional capacity to understand anymore. I am busy, too busy to keep being so understanding and neglectful of my own mental and emotional health.

I try very hard to be giving, to be loving, to understand what happened, to understand how you feel, to try to give you all the space you need to figure out if "us" still means anything to you. I do so because I believe in us. I believed you from the way you look at me when we are both happy. I believed in us from the times that we shared together. I look past the current arguments, the current emotions.

But, what about me? Where does it leave me?

I'm tired of thinking about you. What about me? Why do I have to subject myself to this emotional torture? I am taking a vacation from this issue. I am going to go and appreciate myself, since I am not appreciated here. I try to tell you that all I want is what you gave me, not what you need to burden yourself with doing. But you don't understand. You don't understand that all I want was to feel like before. You take me as a chore now, and I am not staying here as a chore. I'm tired of thinking the best of you. I'm tired of guessing and trying to understand you. There are more important things to handle at the moment, and for once

I AM GOING TO IGNORE HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE TO ME

SINCE I AM IGNORED ANYWAY.

Let me think about ME for once.

What about me?

You keep thinking about all the things I didn't do right. Did you ever stop to think of the opposite? Did you try to think the best of me the way I still try to think the best of you? Do you not think it is tiring for me to keep thinking the best of you when you think the worst of me? Do I deserve to be thought of and treated like this?

I try to be understanding and caring, and sometimes I don't always hit the right mark, or sometimes it is misintepreted. But do I deserve to be punished even with the effort?

What about me? Tell me, what about me?

Frustration!!!

ARGHHH no wonder scientists are "mad".

NEVER MIND~ I WILL DO IT THE FOURTH TIME NEXT WEEK.

-_-"

The longest quote

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”-Neil Gaiman-

:) It's true, but love is also beautiful. :) Maybe there is still hope. Whether or not we make it through, smile that it happened. :) Nothing changes the memories. Those I will always cherish.

This was what happened.. . .....

and then he says...

but I still love you.


How much more confusing can this get?

What do you really want dear? Think carefully, what makes you happy? What do you want for yourself, not what you think I want for me. I can think for myself in this case. I just wish I knew, what is it that you want.

My own advice

Isn't it ironic that the best advice u can get is really from yourself? I told a good friend today that love is not selfish. That when u think about love you should think about what u can give the other person rather than what u will get yourself. I guess i should remind myself that. =)
Almost a year ago, i was touched by a simple answer from someone when i asked why you want a gf. He said because i want to love. And i still feel the love from him, in spite of the situation. And i still feel my love for him. But we seem to have both forgotten how to return to that simplicity.

Irony

Isn't it ironic that I blog only when I am feeling hurt? I think the long break I had away from my blog has been a good sign. I am hurting so much now that even pieces of broken glass piercing through flesh would not feel as painful as the tearing of my heart. The lost of trust in words spoken awhile ago. The lost in faith of taking a chance. I am scared to believe again.

Sometimes I am ok, I can still laugh, I can still make stupid jokes and laugh at it myself, amusing myself with the facial expressions on other people's face. I laugh because I am amused that they don't know how to react, they don't know what to do or say that's right, they are scared to hurt me further, they want to be there for me, and I am making jokes that does not seem a normal state of someone who should be an emotional wreck. You see them pause, looking confused for a moment, don't know how to react, then they will laugh because I can't stop laughing, at amusing myself with my jokes, getting amused at their reactions. They will then be amused that I am amused and then they will laugh and shake their head, and think that I am alright, I'm still as crazy as ever. I am alright, I am still me, but I am hurting, I am hurting deep down inside, a hurt that runs so deep, but I am standing against it. I will not let the hurt bring me down. I will not let my emotions tear me apart. Thank you friends for being there. You don't need to know what to do or what to say, you can whisper I don't know what to do to the other person in the room and I will just feel amused. :) I love you guys, love you to bits. Love that I have so many people who are there for me when I need someone. Love to know that my true friends are a lot a lot a lot more than I give myself credit for. Thank you all for being there.

Emotions are ridiculous. Before a relationship, you wonder if you should love. You don't want to hurt. Slowly, you put down your guard, and you start to believe. You start to believe that loving is worth risking getting hurt. Then when you hurt again, you think, maybe it's not worth loving to get hurt. The conclusion is, don't think so much. The excuse is, but I can't help myself. The reply is, then go get a life. The truth is, it's not so simple.

Lovely day

Such a lovely day.. but I feel so lifeless somehow.

I feel lying down and having waves crash over me.

I don't want to think.

The answer to our lives

This song is playing in my head.

You see me sittin here
A smile upon my face
The time has come but you know that its not too late
There's been to many things
Together we've seen
It's not that hard if we start to beleive
And were not gonna take anymore
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

Chorus

Show me a reason
Give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today
Or is it tonight
We'll find the answer to our life

This world is not at ease
We seem to hide the truth
But then there is only so much we can leave at ease
Its up to you and me
To fix our destinys
The turn is here so lets take a stand
And were not gonna take any more
Can we try to erase all the pain
So please

(chorus)

So tell me why we have to cry ( i try)
When theres so many things we can do to help these troubles
The world will start anew
I need a reason
I need a sign
Theres no turning back
Im here by your side
Is it today or maybe tonight
We'll find
The answer to our lives
Show me the way
Give me a sign
Tell me the way we fall out of line
Is it today
Is it tonight
The answer to our lives

Vulnerable

Isn't it odd that the time you really want some form of comfort is the time when you are denied of it?

Decisions

Sometimes I think decisions suck. Especially mutually exclusive ones. How can you weigh the pros and cons of uncertainty? Stubborn-ess at the core of selfishness. How can there be a happy ending for all?

In the realistic world, there are unfulfiled dreams. In pursuing some (albeit not knowing if there is a megre possibility that it would come to pass), we have to let go of other things that matter to us.

Of course, nothing is set in stone.

But then again, turning away from some things means turning away from certain possibilities. We cannot have everything.

I want more than you can ever imagine. Right now, I don't know how to get there, and as days go by I am slowly losing faith. Reality bites, people mostly end up as nobodies. Why do we want to have more than we can get?

When I was 17, I wanted the world, but I only saw a speck of sand in a vast desert.
When I was 18, I wanted the continent, but I only saw a blade of grass in a field.
When I was 19, I wanted the country, but I only saw a tree in a forest.
When I was 20, I wanted the city, but all I can see was a single street.
Now I am 21, so young, so full of life, but I see... nothing. Can I even have that single street? I want everything I wanted even when I was 17, but I no longer believe in fairy tales.

Musing. Rather amusing. Bitter. Sweet. Life is.

You never know what the future brings. All's well that ends well. Where the wind blows, that is the path that I will follow.

We always have a choice. Always. Even if it is a hard choice, even if it is a biased choice, we still have a choice.

What will be my choice?

Breathe

It's been over a month since my last post. I feel very tired and weary somehow. I'm not sure why I have this bad feeling in my gut, like something is going to go wrong. I have had unexplainable mood swings late at night, and a really empty mind. I can't seem to comprehend things as easily as before and simple things confuse me. I am not really sure what is the matter.

I feel tired. I feel lost.

I just need to breathe and learn to live without worrying so much about nothing.

You

Every time I see you
Every time I talk to you
Every time I'm with you
I fall for you over and over again.

Vulnerable

Late at night when all the world is sleeping
I stay up and dream of you
And I wish on a star that somewhere you are dreaming of me too

I feel so vulnerable tonight... Lying here in the dark yearning for a comforting arm around me. I feel myself falling into a place where I swore I will never go again. I let down all my defences and I let the feeling wash over me. A fragile heart, please handle with care.

I am scared. I am scared of loving you. Some people make it seem so simple. I don't want to hurt again.

I want to believe. To believe that love is not overrated. That its not just a prelude to pain. I want to feel that loving and being loved is as beautiful as they make it to be.

There is something special....

One glance and you see an ordinary tapioca tree.
Take another look, closer, do you see what I see?

A heart. :)

The leaves of the tree in my house compound has grown naturally into the shape without any coaxing or artificial hands. Sometimes I think that the most beautiful things are all around us, but most of the time we are searching too far to realise that what we are searching for may be right here where we are.

Sometimes as humans, we are never content with what we have. We are constantly in search for greener pastures, until something strikes us, and thus reminds us to appreciate what we have right now. Nothing in life is forever. They say that the only thing constant is change. While we can never predict what tomorrow brings, we have control of the present. Make the most out of it.

You know what I just noticed about the tree? The heart is made out of two branches that come together to become one at the trunk and the roots. Just like how two individual people are two different people, two separate branches; and yet they are connected together at the core. I don't think there's anything more beautiful than that.

Here's another of nature's lessons for you to think about.

I know someone stalks my blog. :) This is for you.

Farewell 2009, welcome 2010

What a year it has been! 2009 has come to an end. Time for 2009 to transcend to memory, and 2010 to materialize as reality. I don't know if it's just me, but the past year seems to have flown by at lightning speed. Where did the whole YEAR go to? What did I do for a whole year?

2009 has been a year full of new experiences, many of which I never anticipated. If there is a word that would sum up my 2009, it would be "learning".

Last year I blogged all about what I did in the whole year. This year I have turned lazy, so it's gonna be short and succinct.

I want to shout out to the friends that have supported me through it all. I want to thank the new friends I made in the past year in Sydney who have been so nice to me, helping me settle in so easily and making me feel like I belong. I want to thank some KL friends for still being so close to me even though I am so far away and for making me feel like I really mean something. I want to thank a few KK friends for being my source of strength and logic when things were in a convoluted mess in my head. I would write your names out, but I don't want to miss anyone, so I will write it here in my heart. I will always always cherish you and I remember all of you who were there when I needed a friend. Words can only say so much, but my appreciation for you is beyond words. I want you to know that while you were there for me when I needed someone to talk to, I will also always be here for you if ever you need a friend. :) And for all the people who have helped me, in one way or another, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all mean a lot to me, and I will always remember that.

I would also like to say thanks to someone special who came into my life not that long ago. :) You are my first thought in the morning and the last before I close my eyes at night. Even though it hasn't been exactly smooth sailing, I have faith in it now. :) I want to let you know how much I appreciate having you as a part of my life. When I close my eyes and think of you, I remember the times we spent together, those memories I will always cherish and remember. I hope that the new year brings lots more memories that we can share together :) I miss you. xxxooo