Humans are weird

Yes, we are weird creatures. We think that we are the puppet master, but you know what? We are all marionettes. We are all puppets on a string. The moment you think you have the upper hand, the next moment you will be solemnly brought back to earth by the realisation that you are living in your own delusional world.

Our relationship with other puppets(people) is horizontal, and how the strings of fate bend is out of our direct control. We think that we can rationalise the "big picture" by making logical sense of what we understand, but our understanding is just a horizontal, linear one-dimensional understanding between puppets. We do not have the capacity to understand the puppet master, and where the strings of fate will lead us, our guess is as good as grappling randomly in the air. Our thoughts are merely speculation, and we will never ever truly know.

Me

It's funny how much I care about people. Is everyone that way? When I care about someone, I feel like I want to make them happy. When I sense that someone is unhappy, I immediately want to alleviate that and bring a smile back to their face. I want to open up my arms and give them a hug and help them feel that everything will be alright. I hate it when people I care about blatantly refuse to let me in. I feel very frustrated when I am unable to make someone feel better when I know if they would just let me, I would be able to. I am not seeking for anything in return. Seeing the person smile again, that is reward enough. So, am I just too nice for my own good?

I'm just protecting myself

When you decided to leave
The one I dearly adore
The words I dared to believe
They don't mean anything anymore

The hurt the pain it cuts deep
I was bleeding, my head spinning
Felt like spending all day in sleep
Was numb till no more feeling

Now you say you miss me
And you want me back
For how long, there's no guarantee
Before you take it all back

I'm not a plastic bag
Reusable, disposable, recyclable
I'm tired, I raise a white flag
Too drained to listen to a new fable

To you, what is love?
Just a word thrown in the wind
I'm gonna rise above
The stupid voice within

That's telling me how much I care
And how much I still want you
I'm not taking this foolish dare
I'm gonna close my eyes and bid you adieu

You broke my heart and broke my trust
All the defences I let down
Put them up again I must
Or else in your hands I will drown

Maybe if you search hard enough and find the lock
To open the door of the heart I'm closing
You might get past this block
But not now, not for the time being

The broken pieces I pick
Of this wounded heart
Slowly back together they'll stick
It'll be my work of art

Late at night

Late at night, I can't fall asleep. I shouldn't have been looking at old photos. I shouldn't have been digging for memories. When I lie down, tears slide down my cheeks. I remember those nights when I felt particularly vulnerable and I would cry softly in the dark. I remember those nights when I felt like that and you were there. You could wrap your arms around me, even though not understanding why I was acting the way I was, but those nights, I suddenly felt that I was not alone anymore. I remember one night after a series of days like that, and you came over and hugged me and said to me softly don't cry tonight, and those words, it touched my heart. It made tears fall down again, but not because I was sad but because I was so touched that I was loved, I was cared for.

And now I lay on my bed and the tears keep falling and they keep falling and they keep falling. And there's no one to hold me close. I feel all alone. I miss you. And it hurts so bad that I miss you. That I miss someone who doesn't miss me anymore.

And the whole day I am fine, I am happy even. I laugh, I go on with what I do, I have fun. But late at night, these feelings creep up on me again. The tears just can't stop tonight. The hurt just cuts through and my heart it hurts. Its hurts. It hurts.

Feelings

After a day of laughter and smiles, when everything is quiet and I'm shut out from the world, the feelings rush over me again. Why does it keep doing this?

Why can't my emotions just leave me alone?